Dr. Dume and A Dark Night In Edinburgh
Dr. Dume and Long Talks!
Recently, I had made a sojourn, a pilgrimage if you will, to Edinburgh, Scotland. I had been there before, seen all the sights (which are well worth seeing), but this time, mine was a singular mission, one of dangerous and yet worthwhile proportions. My mission? It was to seek out and meet with the duplicitious Dr. Dume! Yes, folks, that strange man that lurks somewhere between the world of horror fiction and reality! Did I find him? You betcha.
He journeyed down from Aberdeen to meet me, a long trip by train. No doubt my flatteries and blandishments induced this recluse from his lair, brought him forth from hiding, if only for one single night.
And there, in a hotel bar in Edinburgh, surrounded by British foreigners (they are a strange, yet friendly lot, and I suppose they aren't really foreigners when they live there, but they did all speak differently from each other, e.g., Scots from Welsh, Yorkshire people from London inhabitants, etc. You think they could settle on one common language, like English maybe????). But, to continue with my story, we talked late into the night. I learned many things about Dr. Dume, and yet very little. For instance, why does he choose to live so far north? Does the cold weather there act as a preservative, does it extend his lifespan? Or, is it easier for him to keep body parts fresh? Many questions.
And yet over many whiskeys (doubles), we talked. And when he became silent, I plied him with more Scottish lubrication to which he said, "I dinna canna say no..." (which in English I think means "yes, I'll have another..." and so we spoke of things dark and darker, things strange, yet wonderful. For instance, he told me the lifecycle of traffic cones in the UK. I will leave it to him to elaborate for you, should he ever choose to do so, but suffice it to say, they are intriguing creatures, quite capable of using humans to further their heinous method of reproduction and proliferation. So, when next you see traffic cones, beware! They are creatures with a plan! And that plan bodes ill for humanity!
The following day, we (meaning me), drove the dreadful doctor back to Aberdeen, a two-and one-half hour trip from Edinburgh. The countryside at first is benign, green even, with rolling hills and lots of sheep (what do the English and Scottish do with so many darn sheep? Inquiring minds want to know, or maybe not...) But then the land took on a barren look, windswept hilly moors with winter seared grass, few structures, and only a road arrowing every north. (Well, not exactly arrowing -- UK roads have a remarkable propensity for twists and turns, and are full of these weird things called roundabouts [one of which I was stuck in for several days, thinking I was making progress when really I was going around in circles -- no, I didn't realize it right away, after all the view was of fields bordered in hedgerows, which is pretty much the way the whole of the United Kingdom looks, so how was I supposed to know???]}.
In any case, we finally arrived at his home, a place cleverly disguised to look quite ordinary and normal (but we know better -- don't we???), and so we dropped him off. He handed me the oddest thing as a parting gift -- it was a small package of "Aberdeen" rolls of some sort. They looked like ordinary bread rolls, but when he advised me they should be called "butter rolls" and that they were best heated, I became suspicious. Why? Well, he advised me not to heat them up too much, because "they might melt." Since when does "bread" melt????? I still have them. I eye them every morning, wondering what they are made of, and what makes them melt... I have yet to have the courage to try eating one of them. Not for me, the fate of becoming one of Dr. Dume's creatures!!!!
So, having returned the infamous doctor to his domicile, I fled, taking my poor father with me. He will never be the same after that experience. But then, he never was to begin with!!!
A word of advice; if you are ever planning to visit with Dr. Dume, bring plenty of true Scottish whiskey. It won't make him drunk, nothing seems to do that, but it will help to calm him, put him at his ease, and lull him into a state where he may not eat you!! Whether he is man or something more, for me to visit him again? "Nevermore!" I know when I've pushed something as far as I dare, and to enter once again into Dr. Dume's lair? No way!!!!!
