Little Caligula's feeding time was delayed today by a visit from the local constabulary. Their request seemed odd, but they insisted on knowing whether I was bothered by the Ferals in the swamp.
"Why would they bother me? I have lived with those Ferals all my life and am accustomed to their ways. The boiling lead and my trusty crossbow generally keep them at bay."
The policemen looked at each other for a moment. Yes, there were two. There always are, and I can't blame them after what happened to Constable McBludgeon in the swamp, all those years ago. They never did find his helmet.
"You're joking, right?" one of them said.
"I can assure you, there is nothing to joke about where Ferals are concerned. Nasty little vermin if they corner you."
One of them puffed out his chest. An impressive feat considering the plate-armour they all wear now.
"I'll have to ask you to moderate your tone, sir. Those are people you are talking about."
I had to laugh. "People? They might have been once, but no more. They are Ferals now. A different species."
"Seriously, sir, you can't say that. I have to ask - you are joking about the boiling lead and the crossbow, aren't you?"
"Certainly not. Ferals don't understand bluff. Sometimes they need a little persuasion to go away, especially when they're hungry."
They looked uneasy. "Sir, you cannot go around pouring boiling lead over people. I think we'd better come inside and ask you a few questions, if that's all right."
"Okay, but make it quick. It's feeding time."
"Feeding time?"
I had no sooner closed the door than little Caligula shot into it at impressive speed and bounced off. He keeps trying to play outside but I can't let him. It's not safe. He might make his way to the village, or worse - he might encounter a Rarely-Glimpsed Slimy Swamp Thing and I have very few of those. Caligula glared up at the policemen and bared his teeth. Both rows. The effect was enhanced by the UV light I had installed to stop him hiding in the shadows, which made him glow a healthy green.
The policemen took a step back. "What the hell is that?"
I raised one eyebrow. "Didn't you just tell me it was illegal to call people rude names? That is my son, Caligula. I have to feed him because his mother is still unconscious after his last nappy change." It was a particularly nasty one. Something moved in it, I'm sure. Just thinking about it still makes me feel dizzy.
"Look, I think we'll need to take you down to the station. That child needs a doctor and we need to know more about what you are doing to those people in the swamp."
I declined. "Why would we go to the station to converse? You won't be able to hear my answers over the noise of the trains. Caligula does not need a doctor because I am one. What he needs is his dinner and I would advise not delaying that any more than necessary."
"Nevertheless, we have to insist." One of them took out a pair of shiny modern manacles. I was about to ask him where I could buy something similar when Caligula lunged.
The policeman with Caligula attached to his leg gave out a scream and then fell over. The second one took out a little yellow gun. I've heard of those. They shoot electricity. He pointed the gun at me for a moment, then at Caligula.
"Get back!" he shouted. "Get away from there."
"I'm afraid he's only five months old," I said. "He doesn't understand you and even if he did, he's not likely to pay any attention." I let out a heavy sigh. "He never listens to me either."
The one on the floor went quiet. Caligula had reached his throat.
It all worked out okay in the end. Caligula was fed, nobody had to go to the station and no questions were asked. We didn't really need the second policeman so he could have gone off to catch some proper criminals, but he fired that little yellow gun at Caligula.
I'm afraid Caligula became rather annoyed.
Now I have two new plant pots to hang alongside the old one. Senga will be pleased when she wakes up. She likes things to match.
