A useful new law.
Yesterday, I had a visitor. Apparently he came from the local council and was investigating a report that I might have committed a bin crime.
I raised my eyebrows at that. I had no idea there was such a crime. “What,” I asked him, “is a bin crime?”
He coughed, an action that caused the Adam’s apple in his scrawny throat to bounce as if it were connected to his jaw by elastic. “The council have noticed that no waste is ever collected from here and some of the locals suspect you of dumping your rubbish illegally. I am authorised to enter your premises and inspect your waste disposal facility.”
“Really?” My waste disposal facility, if you can call it that, is a chute into the deeper recesses of the swamp. I prefer to think of it as a form of oubliette, similar in function to the ones in the lower reaches of the dungeons.
“Yes,” he said. “Really. If you prevent me entering your premises, I can impose a fine and return with the police.”
A fine. One of those maniacal ideas where they take money from you but provide nothing in return. Well, I had no real objection to him entering anyway and had no intention of parting with money, so I let him in. Once I had shown him the way to the chute, I settled in front of the computer to find more about this law.
He returned just as I noticed something very interesting indeed.
“I’m afraid, Mr. Dume, that your waste disposal facility contravenes Health and Safety regulations and is an environmental hazard. You are polluting the swamp.”
“It’s Dr. Dume,” I said. “Health and safety? This castle contains neither of those things. Never has. And I am not polluting the swamp. I am feeding it. It likes bones.”
“Well, I’ll have to make a full report to my superiors.” He folded his little book and pursed his little lips. “I can assure you, this will result in a prosecution.”
“Just a moment.” I rose from my chair and palmed one of the sedative darts I keep in strategic places all over the castle. You never know when a Feral might get in. “As you said, the law does state that I have to allow you entry on demand. In fact, I found over four hundred laws that allow such a thing.”
“That’s right.” He puffed out his chest as far as it would go. Not very far. “You cannot deny entry to the officers of the Council.”
“Correct.” I moved between him and the door. “However, not one of those laws states that, once inside, I have to let you leave.”
It was impressive to note the speed of his brain. Comprehension only dawned on him after the dart landed in his neck. Not one of my brightest subjects but what the heck. There are four hundred laws that say I have to let these people in and I will be more than happy to comply in each and every case. There’ll be more.
I put him in the cell opposite the training cell. My new assistant has stopped screaming now so he’ll sleep well. Tomorrow, I’ll show him the laboratory.
