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March 31, 2008

The Valet of the Dolls.

I visited the dolls in the dungeon recently. It wasn't too bad. Most of my fingers are working again and my eyesight is almost back to normal. I won't bore you with the details here because it's all in the article I've sent to Alienskin.

I've been sending articles since November 2003 and not one has been rejected. None. Yet every time I hit 'send' I get that writer's version of stage fright. Is it okay? Did I catch every typo this time? Does it make sense? Is this The One that will come back with the big red 'No'?

I don't know yet.

I don't suppose the feeling ever goes away. I can't imagine ever confidently sending a story, article, or novel out and being certain it will be accepted. Does that happen to people like Stephen King? Does he still clutch his lucky goat's pancreas, as I do, in blind terror of having to do it again with ten minutes to spare?

I don't know that either, and probably never will.

I do know those dolls are up to something down there. Jugular the Clown is the ringleader and he's always been sneaky. I'm going to send Stumpy down to watch them tonight. He can pretend he's come to dust them and iron their clothes. It's time they were valeted.

Maybe it'll improve their mood. If they trust him, they might even tell him what's going on.

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March 25, 2008

Me rite bok. Yew reed.

Samuel's Girl is once more fit to send out so agents beware - Dume is on the prowl!

The query letter didn't work too well last time so that needs a revamp too. Formality is essential in a query. It's a business letter, as Nathan Bransford points out. I haven't sent a query to his office yet but he's on the list. The only reasons he's not high up the list are 1) he doesn't specifically say he's interested in this kind of book, although he doesn't specifically say he's not and 2) if possible, I'd like to sign with a UK agent so I can send Stumpy round to discuss money over tea and knives.

Another thing that's essential in a query letter is the use of English. Correct grammar, correct spelling and not so much as a comma out of place. If it's a struggle to read the query, who's going to attempt the manuscript?

The query is the showcase for the novel. It's the first example of your writing an agent or publisher sees. Screw it up and they stop there. So does your chance of publication.

Now I'd better go and do something about it.

 

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The New-Fangled Way.

The trouble with anthologies, as a reader, is that they usually contain roughly 50% of stories I like and 50% of stories I'm not interested in.

As a writer, the troubles with anthologies are manifold. One, they're difficult to get into. There's only so much space and most of it is already occupied by invited authors. Slots are few. Competition is fierce.

Two, do you promote it? You're only one author within the collection. Any promotion you do benefits the others, but how do you know if they're reciprocating?

Three, they're usually one-off small payments because it's a pain for the editor to keep divvying up royalty cheques into small amounts. So you're paid, that's that, there's no reason to push the book. Chalk up one publishing credit and move on.

The electronic age contains a solution to all these problems. A pick-and-mix anthology. Choose your stories, order the book and wait for the postman. One bound book with the short story collection you chose. Huge thanks are due to David de Beer for telling me about this. So, as payback, I'll mention he has a story coming up in the June/July Alienskin magazine.

For the reader, this is great. You choose every story so there are no duds in there.

For the writer, it's even better. Instead of fighting for space in a single anthology, your story sits in a list. Readers can choose to include it. Okay, maybe nobody ever will but it costs nothing to leave it there. You have an incentive to promote the story (which is what I'm doing right now in case you hadn't guessed) because you're only promoting your own work. The more anthologies it gets included in, the better your name gets known.

Since it's a royalty-payment system, your earnings also depend on inclusion in anthologies. Don't expect to get rich by this route. The money is small but the kudos is large. Your story--indeed, stories--could be in many anthologies chosen by many people. Getting your name recognised is a Good Thing if you want to stand a chance in the bigger pond, where the novels fight it out on shelves.

I've saved the best bit until last. The stories don't have to be first publications. In fact, Anthology Builder prefers stories that have been previously published in a paying market. This is a place for stories that have been published, after the first rights have expired and the story is yours again. Note - be sure the rights have reverted to you first or you'll be in trouble.

Good news for paying markets, too. The story is listed on the site along with the market it was published in and the year of publication. Publicity is always good.

So how do you get your stories in? First, read the guidelines. Then read them again because I know you only skimmed them first time. Make sure your format is right and your story fits in one of the categories they're looking for. There are lots of categories. Second, sign up. The price tag attached to this is my favourite one. Free. Finally, submit and wait for a decision. That's all there is to it.

Oh, and while you're there, buy yourself an anthology. Be sure to include 'The Hand that Feeds', which first appeared in AlienSkin in 2003. It's there under my pen name, Kevin Hillman.

I intend to submit more. Eventually, enough to fill an anthology on my own.

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March 23, 2008

Testing the boundaries.

Once in a while I review my limits as far as writing goes.

I'd love to be able to write romance and erotica because those sell well. Good romance writers earn an awful lot of cash, but even middling ones can make a living. Those books have a huge and devoted reader base. Unfortunately I know little of romance and couldn't write a sex scene without making it sound contrived and silly. Romance and erotica are outside my limits.

Science fiction? I can do it, but being a scientist I get bogged down in details. It's hard to write a science fiction story without turning it into a report. Once in a while I'll get it right, but mostly I don't. Science fiction is inside my limits but not comfortably. I know science well. Perhaps too well.

Thriller and mystery are genres I don't understand at all. Surely every story must be thrilling in some degree, and must have an element of mystery? If you know how it's going to end there's no reason to read it. I won't be producing one of these because I don't know what the classification means. Therefore, thriller and mystery are outside my limits.

So is crime. Agatha Christie has that angle covered, in my view. I can't top Hercule Poirot or Miss Marple. I'm still considering a few serial-killer ideas which will definitely not include another 'Jack the Ripper' expose. I wish people would stop trying to guess who he is because he won't leave my attic until they do. Crime is a 'maybe' if I can get a serial-killer story to work. It's outside the limit at the moment but only just.

At the moment my limits encompass paranormal and horror, with a little SF thrown in for a bit of a change. Within horror, I prefer the gore to be a little less obvious and more implied. Psychological horror is my favourite but I haven't quite shed the influence of Clive Barker. So once in a while, death comes a-knocking with knives and imagination. I try to keep the serious gore offstage because I don't want to be limited to an '18' rating on the books I write.

Main characters are usually male. That's not only because I'm a chauvinist, it's also because I don't write female characters well. I have no idea what happens inside women's heads and believe me, I've looked. Any female POV characters are guesswork and if I made a female principal character, sooner or later the guesswork would show through. I don't agree that 'men cannot write female characters'. I do agree that I'm not good at it.

I think it's a good idea to review my limits once in a while. It keeps me on track and stops me drifting into places I might not be able to cope with. It also lets me test those limits.

There might be a hole in the boundary somewhere. It's always worth looking.

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More on clowns.

Rummaging on YouTube, I came across 'Killer Klowns from Outer Space'.

A wonderfully cheesy B-movie with a few strokes of genius. I especially liked the idea of forming a sniffer-dog from balloons.

That link is the entire film but it might not stay there because it's way over YouTube's limit. No matter, someone else has loaded it in 10-minute chunks. A quick search will find it.

I think it's time someone gave the Easter bunny the 'Pennywise' treatment too. He's been getting off lightly for far too long.

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March 20, 2008

Haunted plastic.

It seems Romulus has been looking into the haunted doll scene. That's a dodgy place to be. One of my dungeons is full of dolls of Dume vintage, all of which can be heard shrieking and crying throughout the night. They can make as much noise as they like. I am not buying them that Barbie house and that's final.

Haunted dolls are all the rage now. There's a seller on Ebay who has an apparently endless stock and there's a whole museum of haunted dolls too.

The timing couldn't be better. I have to think up a new AlienSkin article and expected to have to recycle some old undead or gorefest chat from the past. I've never mentioned toys before. Now's the time!

There's Chucky, of course, and the clown doll in Poltergeist, which was more disturbing than the actual demon. Well, clowns are scary anyway. They're always smiling and they drive cars that fall to bits. Everyone knows someone like that and nobody likes them.

One of the dungeon dolls is a clown. I especially hate that one. What I'd like to know is how he manages to refill that squirty flower every single time I go down there.

I think I'll put him on Ebay.

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March 15, 2008

Dream agent?

I rarely leave the swamp but I do have the Internet. So I can virtually, if not actually, move to and fro in the world and go up and down in it. I think that's a line from a book. One my father showed me when I was larval. It had him in stitches but I never saw the jokes.

Lately my wanderings have been agent-biased since I'm looking for one. A proper one, not some fee-charging, vanity-press-submitting con artist. I have Samuel's Girl about ready to restart the submissions so I've been browsing again.

I read a lot of comments where people say they are looking for their 'dream agent'. What is that? Wouldn't a real-life one be more effective? An agent sells your book for you. I expect nothing more than that.

There's no need to pressure an agent to sell the book. There's no need to haggle about advance sizes. Agents work on a percentage. The more the author makes, the more the agent gets so any advance they negotiate is going to be as high as it can be. Every decent agent does that.

What I'm looking for is a business arrangement. I don't need more friends. I don't need a shoulder to cry on. There are plenty in the spares cupboard. I don't need anyone interfering in my daily life. I need an agent relationship that goes like this:

Me: Here's a book.

Agent: It's crap. I can't sell that.

Me: Okay, here's another one.

Agent: Better, but you have to fix these bits.

Me: Fixed. How about now?

Agent: Okay, I think I can sell this. Call me in a couple of months if you don't hear from me.

 

Then I forget about that book until the time comes to fiddle with it again, and in the meantime write something else.

You tell me. What else does a 'dream agent' do? I can't think of anything else I'd want from one.

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March 12, 2008

Something is complete!

I finished a short story!

This hasn't happened for years. Since I moved into the dark and uncertain waters of novel writing, every time I try to write a short it just gets longer...and longer...and longer. Eventually it goes in the drawer marked 'No. Leave it alone for now.'

Well, should I ever be successful at novel writing I won't be short of ideas. If I don't make it, I won't be short of kindling.

This short is done. It's not bad, if I say so myself, and I do. Just around 2000 words. I'll give it one more pass to weed out blunders and then see if it can find a home. It's somewhere between SF and horror so that might not be easy, but I'll try anyway.

If I can remember how to submit. It's been a while.

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