Dr. Dume ~ The Doctor is In

It has occurred to me that I might get further with selling this novel if I didn't write crap. It's an embryonic idea at this stage but I think it might have some merit.

Starting Samuel's Girl with a retirement party in a library was maybe not the best choice I have ever made. So I have decided not to. Samuel does get far more interesting as the story progresses. Indeed I think, with typical writer's immodesty, that he becomes very interesting indeed after he dies, but he's a librarian at the start. Could I have picked a duller profession? There's always real-estate agent, but I have one of those saving the world in another book. No more of that - there's a lot of revision to do before that one sees the darkness of the slush pile.

So I changed it to start with another, more dynamic character. I have three POV characters so I have one more left to try. Fury and unreasonable demands seem like a better opening than a retiring librarian. I junked the whole retirement party and cut that part to the important bit - the handing over of The Key.

I think I felt obliged to start with Samuel because his name's in the title. He doesn't need to be in chapter 1 though. His girl isn't. Perhaps having no sign of Samuel or his girl in the first chapter will pique someone's interest. Perhaps not. I can but try, and try and try again until one of these agents gives in just to shut me up.

Well, the latest changes only affect the first few chapters so it won't be long before I start pestering agents again. If you're an agent (I doubt any ever pass this way but you never know) you can breathe freely for about a month. Then I'll be back.

Posted by Dr. Dume at 01:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I bought a couple of DVD's recently. A romantic little number called 'Bride of Chucky' and one I've been looking for, an alleged horror classic called 'The Evil Dead'.

'Bride of Chucky' is full of wonderful new ideas. The mirror scene is a masterpiece. The story even tips its hat to 'Hellraiser' at one point. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute.

'The Evil Dead' wasn't as good as I was led to believe. Trapping a character under a fallen bookshelf should really be limited to once per character per film. If one scene is devoted to a character giving his girfriend a specific item, then it must do something. It does do something in the end, but what it does bears no relation to what it is, and it's a very specific and unusual item. I must admit I was, more than once, left with a feeling of 'Oh, you could have used that to...'. I also had the feeling of 'When did you put that in your pocket? I thought the demon stopped you picking it up?'

There are many criticisms from a purely writerly standpoint. People don't heal within hours, blood loss affects stamina especially when you've been awake all day and all night, if you pick up a gun don't leave the shells behind, and if you're hiding bodies in shallow graves in the woods, don't mark them with a cross. These and many more errors marred the story but if you like your gore close-up and personal, well there's plenty of that. One for the bloodlusters. A nice ending too. Still I think that story could have been played so much better if it hadn't just concentrated on the gore. Many things were left unexplored, many potentially useful items were never used.

If you have to choose one of those films for the night, I recommend 'Bride of Chucky'. Murder with a sense of humour. Death with a chuckle. By the end of it you won't mind if Chucky and his bride kill you because you know they won't do it in a plain old ordinary way.

On the other hand, if you want ideas, films like 'The Evil Dead' are worth watching. See where they went wrong and expand on their missed opportunities in your own stories.

It's not stealing if they didn't use it.

Posted by Dr. Dume at 12:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Stumpy failed. He fell asleep and tried to fob me off with some rapid fakery involving steam and a bloodstained lightbulb. I have given him a preliminary beating while I consider what punishment he deserves.

I was distracted from this by a visitor. Upon opening the door, I faced a grinning beard who made a bizarre statement.

"I am green," was what he said.

There was a long and pregnant pause. In due course it gave birth to another pause, also long but mercifully not pregnant. When it ended I cleared my throat.

"I don't know what you've been told," I said, "but you are not green. From where I'm standing you are a sort of wan...beige...ashen kind of colour. Definitely unhealthy, but not as bad as green."

He laughed, a sound that found a reaction in me similar to that of a bottle breaking (yes, a simile! It even has 'similar' in it so it's a similar simile. If you've heard it before it's a familiar similar simile. Say it five times fast. No reason. It just keeps you busy).

Well, what was I talking about? Oh yes, my visitor who thought he was the Green Man, when in fact he looked more like a beard on a stick (another one, even if it is tenuous).

"You don't understand," he said through a mouth with far too many teeth. "I mean I'm environmentally friendly. I use little electricity or gas, most of my power comes from free, natural resources and I never eat animals killed in abbatoirs."

Well, thought I, a kindred spirit. I had no idea a refusal to part with cash was known as 'being Green'. I am also environmentally friendly even though the local environment is the most unfriendly imaginable. I never eat anything killed in abbatoirs. With Stumpy's cooking, I wonder if many of our meals have been killed at all. So I invited the walking beard inside.

Then he produced glossy brochures extolling the virtues of his Green agenda. As with all glossy brochures, they involved the separation of money and me.

I called Stumpy and asked if he knew how to cook beard.

Posted by Dr. Dume at 02:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Over the centuries, successive Dumes have tried and tried to photograph a lunar eclipse. None have succeeded. Well, there's another one tonight, so the Professor tells me. The trouble is, it's best viewed from a place called America which isn't on any of my ancestral maps. Somewhere beyond Eire, I think, and probably very close to the edge of the world if not over it.

The Professor describes it as 'the other side of the world' but I think he's making that up. What does he mean? Underneath? Everyone would fall off.

Right. The eclipse. It's going to be visible from here but we might not get the full effect this far north. There's also the matter of our mist, which never breaks. And there's the small matter of timing. The eclipse is at 3 am, PBT (Proper British Time). I think I have a solution to those last two problems.

I've instructed Stumpy to stay on the roof and take pictures. That way, I get pictures taken above the mist and I stay warm and asleep. It's a win-win situation.

Stumpy doesn't see it. I think he just likes to grumble. As long as he does it quietly and in between photographs, he can grumble all he wants. It keeps him happy.

Posted by Dr. Dume at 10:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Lately I have experienced a few aches and twinges in my hands and forearms. For a writer, this is terrifying. It's the equivalent of a long-distance runner going lame.

I read that magnetic bracelets can help with this sort of thing so I rooted out a few broken hard drives. They have magnets inside. Powerful ones. More is better, I reasoned.

Anyway, I dismantled the drives and removed the magnets. I secured them to my left wrist with a steel band, thinking that if it worked, my left wrist would get better while my right would stay sore. Once proven, I could then attach more magnets to the right.

There are a couple of things to note here. The first is, if you secure the magnets with a steel band, be sure to carry a pair of cutters with you at all times. Alternatively. install some kind of release mechanism.

Secondly, and most important, never open the fridge with the hand that has the magnets.

Spending two days as a fridge ornament is no fun at all.

Posted by Dr. Dume at 11:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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The new issue of AlienSkin is online, with new articles and a heap of new stories.

You'll get no sense out of me for a while. My eyes are glued to the screen. When I get them off I'm going to beat Stumpy within an inch of his life.

Posted by Dr. Dume at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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