Dr. Dume ~ The Doctor is In

Comments are 99% spam and are coming at a ridiculous rate now.

 

For the moment at least, comments are off.

 

Posted by Dr. Dume at 01:56 AM | Permalink

The Horror Zine has a new issue online, with new stories to delight your adrenal glands and tickle your pancreas. Many talented writers, poets and artists have been selected by the tireless editor for this issue, and she has even found time to write more of her own.

The first part of Jeani Rector's novel, We all Fall Down, is here, and you can get the whole thing here (for the UK, here). I have to visit Amazon soon anyway because I loaned my copy of Twice the Terror to Hamish McBookworm, he's passed it to someone else and now it's going around the village at a rate that suggests I'll never get it back. If I do, it will probably be all creased and I like my books pristine.

The news section is big this month, and starts with a short story competition that pays out prizes but is free to enter - my favourite arrangement for such things. Best get the thinking cap on. Mine really works because it's made of dried and cured cerebral cortex and has batteries. It even has a light bulb on top for those 'Aha!' moments. Not one of those eco-bulbs that take hours to warm up, but a proper filament bulb that comes on at once. I don't have all day.

At the bottom of this month's news is the little book of old stories I put on Lulu. That's free too, if you like downloads, and cheap if you prefer print. It's not there to make me rich. It's there to keep all those old stories I sold to magazines and Ezines that have since folded their final pages closed. Since first rights have gone for all but two of the stories in there, they won't sell again.

I'm not sure whether I'm a turncoat for abandoning the still-cooling corpse of Alienskin so quickly, or a parasite for latching on to the Horror Zine.

Oh well. Both are noble professions, embraced by many a Dume down the ages. Either will do.

Posted by Dr. Dume at 01:45 PM | Permalink

I have been somewhat lax about submitting novels, it's true. They never seem quite finished. Then there are the distractions - bandaging Senga after she's fed Caligula, soothing Caligula after he's failed to catch the postman again, supper with Red Stan (I'll never understand why the spoons have to be so long), evenings in the jolly company of Death and the rather more morose company of the Professor, constant social worker visits to check on Caligula which at least keeps the larder well stocked... so much to do.

Those are all excuses. The real reason for sporadic submission is procrastination. I'm never sure the stories are just right yet and I want to check them over. And over, and over. Once in a while I get up the nerve to send some sample chapters.

This time I sent Jessica's Trap to a publisher, and today I responded to a request for the full story. It's the first time I've had a request for the full manuscript although to be fair, the number of submissions I've sent so far is still in single figures.

So, fingers crossed, and by that I mean I have opened every jar of fingers in the laboratory and stitched them into pairs. I might not pass stage two this time but I have at least reached it, and that is a milestone in itself.

If they like Jessica's Trap and want to see more, Samuel's Girl is ready to go too.

If they don't, I am encouraged anyway.

Posted by Dr. Dume at 01:16 AM | Permalink

Someone calling herself a 'Social Worker' visited today. I'm not sociable and don't like work so it was clear from the outset we weren't going to get on. She claimed she wanted to check on little Caligula and was empowered by law to enter. I've met one who claimed that once before. He was a bit stringy but this one looked plumper.

I let her in, closed and locked the door. Sometimes they try to make a break for it and their screams set the Ferals off. I have researched the matter and it is true that they have hundreds of laws saying I have to let them in. They don't have a single one that says I have to let them out.

"Why have you locked the door?" She folded her arms and looked prim and proper at me.

"Ferals," I said. "They steal food, you know."

"Hmph" she said, although I am not sure that the noise she made could be considered conversation. "Where is your wife?"

"Recovering. She fed Caligula earler and it takes quite a toll on her." I guided the bun-haired harpy along the corridor.

"Breast feeding, is she?"

I laughed aloud. "Of course not. She's not stupid." The idea of putting anything made of meat into Caligula's mouth and expecting to get it back had me chuckling all the way to his room.

She tried the door. "It's locked. That is child abuse. If there is anything wrong with this child, I will report it and you'll lose him forever." The look of malicious glee on her face endeared her to me briefly, but I'm already married and I'm not going to do that again. It's just too much of a chore.

"Wrong with him? Well, be my guest." I checked through the peephole before opening the door. Caligula is pretty fast these days. He was in the corner of the room, playing with a mouse. They taste better when they are properly scared.

I opened the door, let her in and shut it quickly. There was a brief interlude of 'Hello little boy, I'm here to help you', then a short period of screaming.

When Caligula is full, he'll fall asleep. Then I'll clean his room and put the rest in the fridge.

With any luck, someone will come looking for her soon.

Posted by Dr. Dume at 12:19 AM | Permalink

Apparently Lulu did something wrong and have apologised. I had noticed nothing amiss, but it seems their system didn't properly catalogue the short story book, Fears of the Old and the New. It was, I thought, very good of them to deal with this and very good indeed of them to give the book a 15% discount until the 15th of August. I am impressed by their professionality in this matter.

It will help with the practice promotion exercise. The business side of writing is extraordinarily difficult to master and makes me all the more appreciative of the work Jeani Rector puts in to promote The Horror Zine and its books. It was always obviously hard work, but the true scale of it is astounding. I can also, now, better understand why the Alien Queen Mother had had enough after eight years of it.

Well, since Lulu have provided me with this opportunity, I will have to make the best of it. The discount applies only to the print version, not the Ebook which is already cheap, nor, unsurprisingly, to the free download version.

Until August 15th, then, the book is 15% discounted. There have been a few sales but no reviews as yet. You can, of course, review and rate it based on the free download if you prefer not to spend money. Reader response is far more important to me than profit at this stage - I need to know whether I'm getting this whole thing right or wrong.

The book link is here, and should you choose to buy the print version before August 15th, you can use the following discount information, provided by Lulu. After the 15th it won't work any more but the download will still be free.

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Use coupon code BEACHREAD305 at checkout and receive 15% off Fears of the old and the new.. Maximum savings with this promotion is $10. You can only use the code once per account, and you can't use this coupon in combination with other coupon codes. This great offer ends on August 15, 2010 at 11:59 PM so try not to procrastinate! While very unlikely we do reserve the right to change or revoke this offer at anytime, and of course we cannot offer this coupon where it is against the law to do so.

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It would be around this time, too, that I would be considering an Alienskin article. It's become a habit and my typing fingers are getting twitchy.

Maybe I should write one anyway and put it here, in memory of the passing of Alienskin and also to keep myself in practice.

This is not a good time to get lazy.

Posted by Dr. Dume at 02:21 PM | Permalink

A very strange man appeared at my door today. He said he was from the Water Board. I have read about this waterboard. it sounds very unpleasant indeed and not a hobby I plan to take up at all.

His proposal involved piping water into the castle, and me paying him to do it.

I was, naturally, perplexed by this. Why would anyone want their home full of water? Furthermore, why would anyone want to pay for it? It would make quite a mess, I think. It's possible he had confused me with a trout, although his experience of fish must have been limited because none of my oddities include fins.

His smile was too wide and too white to be trusted. 'Everyone needs water,' he said.

'Well, yes,' I said, 'but I live in a swamp. In Scotland. Water is not hard to come by. It drops out of the sky most days.'

'Ah,' he said, 'but we sell treated water. It's very nice. You should try it.'

The village homeopath, Avogadro McNothing, sells treated water. It tastes the same as the stuff that drops out of the sky. This is not surprising because that's where he gets his water too. I pointed this out and the Waterboard man laughed. A rattle followed by a wheeze. It sounded like Caligula shaking a puppy to death.

I wondered, aloud, why anyone would pay for water.

'We control all British water.' he said. 

'Really? Could you perhaps arrange to drop rather less of it around here? I have water tanks on the roof but they've been full for a long time and I have enough to be going on with, thank you.'

'Oh, we don't control the rain. It only belongs to us when it hits the ground.'

Fortunately, having tanks on the roof means the rain doesn't hit the ground. I suppose that means it's still mine. The stuff that comes through the roof, however...

'You'd better come inside.' I said. 'There's some water that belongs to you on the floors of several downstairs rooms. It would be nice if you'd take it away.'

 He looked confused. That white smile blurred with the shaking of his head. I led him inside and showed him the leak in Caligula's room without, naturally, going in myself.

The leak is still here, the water is still here, and so is he.

In spirit, at least. I hope Death calls again soon. It's time for a cleanup. This one is really far too noisy.

 

Posted by Dr. Dume at 03:19 AM | Permalink